Want Ad #3: Yup, these ae still for sale, too.

For Sale: Bike Panniers - and stories of youthful folly!

Description:

Believe it or not, many decades ago I used to bike recreationally. I'd bike around the chain of lakes, and even ride from Minneapolis to Minnetonka and back again. Hard to believe, right? Of course, I also used to weigh 145 lbs. (at 6' 2"), have dark curly hair and play in a band called Zypper. Speaking of that band, I have two pieces of "stage clothing" from those days here at work if you ever want to see them. They're a pair of size 30-waist nylon pants and a sleeveless striped shirt. We were going for the Loverboy look because it was the 80s. I'll show them to you if you want. Yes, I am willing to humiliate myself for your amusement.

I even went bike camping a few times, riding the “bike paths" in Wisconsin. Back then, the "paths" were kinda sketchy - sometimes you'd be on a bike-only path, like the great Sparta to Elroy trial (which is really fun and interesting to this day -- it's very flat, bike-only and separated from all traffic!), and sometimes you'd be on the side of an interstate highway. And the camping sites weren't very well organized, established or marked back then. In fact, I once was so desperate for a place to camp that I resorted to begging a bar owner in a small town to let me sleep in the back yard of the bar (I guess bars in small town have backyards). I woke at the crack of dawn the next morning to the sound - and "aroma" -of tens of thousands of turkeys! Yup, it was right next to a turkey farm! The sound was like that of thousands of machines that desperately needed WD-40. And I cannot even begin to describe the smell. You rural types know what I'm talking about.

 

Things are much different for cyclists today - they have lavish, wide, bike-only lanes on our city streets, especially in Minneapolis (of course!) And that means if you try to park your car on, say, 1st Ave in Mpls. near Target Field, you park 10 feet from the curb, because your car can't be in the bike lane. And what's really crazy is that between 9 AM and 3 PM you can park your car in the right lane of 1st avenue! I found this out when I cut through Minneapolis on my way to work from the Saintly City one day and waited for10 minutes behind a car in the right lane thinking they'd get going any time now. But it had just turned 9 AM and they were parked in the right lane! Look, I have nothing but admiration for you bike commuters -- I just will not be joining your ranks. It's 18 miles one way from my house to work -- I'd get here about 3 PM, and then have to turn right round and head back home so I made it home before dark.

 

The point of this whole thing is that I don't need my old panniers. They're small, festive orange in color, a little musty from being in the basement, but waterproof and really well built. Made in Colorado, USA! Brand is Velocipac - they're out of business now I think. They were probably founded by hippies; when they retired their spoiled, ungrateful children most likely ran the company into the ground. Just sayin'.

 

So two bike panniers for sale. $15 each - or make an offer.

Want Ad #2

Here's my second want ad from work. Look, I know I'm not exactly Mark Twain or Will Rogers -- but remember, my usual audience works with insurance all day. So these are absolute gems of hilarity and creativity in comparison!

FYI, the yellow dresser is spoken for, but not paid for or picked up yet. And the white dresser is still available. So if anyone actually wants either of these, that would be okay too.

----

Two all-wood dressers (plus observations about IKEA)

Description:

 I have two really solid, well-made dressers for sale - $45 each. They would be great for kids - they survived my childhood. They're in better shape than me, to be perfectly honest. Don't worry, I'm fine. But I really wanted that pony.

They might need painting, but they are WAAAAY better than what you can buy at IKEA. Even though IKEA is really fun to look at. And their stuff looks cool!

Speaking of IKEA, I've been there twice, and both times the ball pit was being cleaned by a couple poor employees wearing rubber gloves. To quote Karen Hanson, "Eeeewww". Also have you ever noticed that everything IKEA sells has some weird name that's unpronounceable? Like "Blrghh" or "Dgstrppp" or "Kvk"? I guess to order something you just point at it. Because no one wants to say "I'll take two Blggstrps and a Wzsllyt," right? probably cuts down on phone orders, too.

Anyhow, these dressers are both all wood (okay, maybe the white one has a particle board back), but they are really solid. The only thing is, they won't fit in my Mazda 3 (I barely fit!!), so the buyer has to pick them up from my place. But they are an excellent bargain. If I must say so myself.

Want Ad #1

I'm cleaning out the basement, and trying to get rid of a few things via our company's wants ads. I thought I'd throw a little levity in there while I'm at it. Here's the first one:


Kryptonite bike cable/lock - direct from the planet Krypton!

I can't believe I still have the key for this Kryptonite integrated cable/lock bike lock thing. Looks like the picture except has yellow on it. How cheery!

Made of genuine Kryptonite. Which means it MUST be from Superman's home planet, Krypton! This means that Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Streaky the Super Cat, Krypto the Super Dog and Beppo the Super Monkey could not steal it*. $15. It's worth it if super-beings ever covet your bike.
I also have a Raleigh U-Lock. $5. Not super-being proof.

*Note: These really were actual DC Comics characters! But don't worry -- I didn't actually know their names. I had to look them up.

Interlude from the interlude: My quixotic quest for American-made clothing

And now an interlude about my quixotic quest for American-made clothing during my interlude about our road trip.

Inspired by our adventure at the UAW retreat center where we were told we couldn't drive on the grounds because my Mazda wasn't UAW-made (see previous post), I have been seeking a couple made-in USA items of clothing. As many of you know, I've lost about 30 pounds of unsightly blubber, so my already-roomy clothes now make me look a little like David Byrne in his Big Suit. (I still have a lot of unsightly blubber - just a little less of it now).

David Byrne in the Big Suit

 Through web surfing I found that Brooks Brothers trumpets their Made In America status ( http://www.brooksbrothers.com/catalogview/catalog.tem?Page=1&catalogname=MakersMerchants_09 ), and that they were having a sale! Although savvy web researcher Karen Hanson pointed out that not all their clothse were USA-made, I felt assured that I could find a USA-made shirt and pair of pants at somewhat reasonable sale prices.

So I went into downtown Mpls today, circumventing road closures and finding inexpensive street parking to avoid $7-for-the-first-hour ramps (boy, it's as if they don't want people to come downtown!).

After traversing the barren retail wasteland of City Center, I located the deserted Brooks Brothers store on the skyway level, went in and started perusing the sale shirts. What I found was Made in Malaysia, Made in China, Made in Bangladesh, and Made in Anywhere-But-Here. And these were all shirts that retailed for at leat $98 each! I had previously noted that Macy's Pink brand of fancy dress shirts, which are $100-$150 each (no, I don't own any) and the similarly-priced Minnesota-designed Hammermade shirts (advertised on KFAN by Hall of Famer Paul Molitor!) at the Galleria were made in Bangladesh and Istanbul respectively. So price alone doesn't assure domestic production.

Finally I found the Country Club line of Brooks Brothers shirts with fabric made in Italy (hey, wasn't this blog supposed to be about Italy?) and that were Made in the USA!! Score!! Woo hoo! Although the selection of size Mediums was sparse, there were a few blue or gray striped or checked shirts that I could work with. Look, I want USA-made, but I'm not gonna buy anything with actual color! let's not get crazy here.

I turned one over and saw the price -- $168!! The sale was two for 50% off, and one for 30% off. So I tried to do the math and quickly calculated that 70% of $168 was --- still too damn much for my budget. I looked at chino-type dress pants and, once again, realized that $98 don't get you American! I did find some dress slacks that would need tailoring for about $254. I decided to pass on them, too.

So I threw in the towel, at least temporarily. Desperate for a few affordable items that fit, I went to Macy's and bought a shirt, a pair of pants and some shorts made in Bangladesh.

I haven't given up yet, though -- I'm going to peruse the L. L. Bean and Brooks Brothers websites and carefully study what's USA-made and affordable. It looks like the BB Made-in-America shirts start at $69.50, which is still more than I'm used to paying, of course, but doable at least this time. I didn't see any of these downtown -- maybe the Maple Grove store will have them.

Yes, I know all this driving or catalog ordering means a bigger carbon footprint, but I'm not gonna get US-made and carbon-neutral. At the wife's suggestion, I'm also going to consult with the woman that coordinates the Retrorama fashion shows, because she's into sustainable fashions. And I'm considering seeking out local tailors to see if a custom-made item or two would be almost as affordable as a pricey catalog item. Of course, I'd have to make sure any such item isn't made by 10-year-old illegal immigrants in a local sweatshop -- I assume those exist, too!

So the adventure continues! More later. Thanks for reading!

Okay, let's see if I can still catch part of the Beerlympics.

Interlude Part 3: I refuse to learn/Twins score 19!

Since it's too hot to even walk to DQ, I thought I'd try to do a quick road trip entry. (PS: Go Twins! 12-5 over the orioles so far).  My apologies to Leesa, Steve and Wendy if I miss some of the wonder of our Mackinac visit.

After the aforementioned wondrous, pathetic dog and pony  "Wild West" show, we repaired briefly to the Brisson home, and then lit out for the Lilac festival parade. (Due to global warming, the Lilac Festival was curiously Lilac-Free). The clear highlight of the parade was the Clown Band, which was actually pretty good. For Leesa another highlight was all the bag piping. Then we had ice cream from ye Olde Ice Creame Parloure.



Sad "Wild West" show

At the end of the parade, the band played and encore, and then kinds freelance/walked to the other end of town. With the enthusiastic Leesa leading the way, we followed the band, and then took and exciting back-alley route back to the house. You'll soon be able to follow this route on Leesa's "Back Alleys of Mackinac" tour. I might have the sequence wrong, but I think we then got a guided tour of the new Mackinac Art Museum, which had a great exhibit on the Grand Hotel's 125th Anniversary (http://www.grandhotel.com/). Great historic photos!



Porch at Grand Hotel - longest in the world

I requested alfresco dining, so Steve and Leesa (that isn't really how she spells it, by the way) led us to a lovely restaurant in the shadow of the Grand Hotel. It was a little rainy, so we started to dine inside -- only to be driven out by the terrible performance of the singer/strummer entertainment guy, who sang as if he had never actually heard these songs. (Note: Now it's Twins 14, Orioles 5).

(Oops - this quick entry is getting less quick by the minute.)

After talking politics/museums, we watched in amazement as Steve drank the tankard of French Press coffee he requires to have the energy to sleep, and went off to bed to rest up for the next day of island living.

We woke to a wonderful, restful symphony of Sunday morning small town sounds: The clop-clop of horses, the singing of the choir at a nearby church and the distant peal of bells from the fort. As Wendy noted, it was exactly the sort of sound collage you would have heard a hundred years ago on the island -- or even in our house on that ungodly busy Cretin-Dayton intersection!

When the admirably pious, well-dressed Brisson family returned, Lisa fed us breakfast (by the way, Steve took us to a great Mackinac greasy spoon Saturday morning while Madam Director was off Being Important). Then all but Matthew (?), the outdoors-avoiding, exercise-hating middle-child Brisson (I knew I liked that kid!) clambered aboard a diverse collection of bikes (some with gears, some with brakes, some with neither) and rode to the highest point of Mackinac. Lisa, the compulsive planner, admitted that this was part of her hidden agenda. We were asked to indicate on a one-to-ten scale how much nature we wanted, and how much exercise -- and the route was selected accordingly. Thank god we could walk our bikes up that giant hill.



Yes, these are "cottages"

 Steve and Leeesa couldn't help but point out various historic landmarks - cemetery this, turn-of-the-century cottage that, etc. Despite their best efforts, I believe I retained absolutely nothing.

Leeesa then fed us a delightful dinner that we ate with her freakishly well-behaved, self-entertaining children. Then, at my urging, we got "all gussied up," as Eddie Lou used to say, and went to hear the Grand Hotel Orchestra, which the Grand Hotel website said was playing every night. Apparently this was also an item on Leesa's hidden agenda!



Anotrher "cottage"

Sadly, it was just a jazz trio with a mediocre singer, because it was Sunday night. I wanted an orchestra (or a big band at least), dammit! So we went to the cupola for drinks. (Twins lead 19 - 5 now).

To be continued...

Interlude Part 2: War of 1812 Dog Parade

(Uh oh! this is taking longer than I thought. I guess brevity is not my strong suit).
PIctures to come...

We started out our journey with Mackinac Island as our first destination. We were going there to enjoy a couple days of Island Life (Michigan style) with Steve and Lisa Brisson, two vivacious, charming, funny museum professionals spending their first summer with their family on Mackinac Island in a 1800s house provided to them for the summer by Mackinac State Historic Parks. Steve was recently appointed Deputy Director for Mackinac State Historic Parks, which take up about 80% of the island (the remaining 20% seems to be evenly split between gigantic 1800’s “cottages” and fudge shops).  That's why he and his family get to stay on the island!

Lisa (or, as she is known by us Leeeeeesa) was recently named Director of the Michigan Museums Association. She also is a mother of three, writes a food column for her local newspaper, is a museum consultant and Elder Hostel tour guide. I suspect she also may be an award-winning beet farmer and champion baton-twirler, but that is beside the point. She insists on being called Madame Director. I know, weird, right?

We had a long drive ahead of us, and had to make the 9:00 ferry to Mackinac, so we didn’t have many stops along the way, save for taking a picture of us in front of the World’s Largest Soup Kettle in Laona, Wi. Wendy, who loves her glowing screens, juggled two to four electronic devices throughout our car rides,  navigating, selecting iPod play lists, planning ala carte stops and researching random questions.

World's largest soup kettle

When we got to Mackinac City we pulled up to the dock, were greeted by the ebullient, chatty and enthusiastic Lisa (and coming from me that’s saying a lot!), and boarded the ferry.  Once on the island we hoofed it through the historic and quasi-historic streets of downtown Mackinac, rolling our luggage through the few blocks to the Brisson's historic summer home located a stone’s throw from the village green. We didn’t take a car, because it was only a couple blocks – and because motorized vehicles have been banned from the island since the late 1800s/early 1900s.

Like Venice, Mackinac Island is a lot like Walt Disney World (but not at all like The House On The Rock). Not only are no cars allowed, but - just like WDW - Mackinac is sprawling, super-cute, expensive – and there are water rides (in the case of Venice and Mackinac, Gondolas/Vaparettos and ferry rides respectively).

Mackinac is so cute that it's ridiculous

It was fortunate that we were making our way to a Brisson manse at 9 PM. If it was earlier, we would have had to dodge hordes of tourists riding horse-drawn carriages, careening down the streets on rented bikes or on horseback, or wandering aimlessly while hopped up on fudge. Because Mackinac Island is tourist central – especially in June/July/August! And if it had been later, we might have had to dodge drunks and vomit – because in the summer, the youngsters come to PARRR-TAY!

After a refreshing beverage and some chatting, we all hit the hay in giddy anticipation of the upcoming War of 1812 Dog Parade, followed by a Dog and Pony Show!

Yes, you heard me: War of 1812 Dog Parade – and an actual Dog and Pony Show, not the ones we see (and participate in) at work! Apparently, we arrived at the tail end of the island’s Lilac Festival, which always features a themed dog parade. In this case, since it was some even-numbered anniversary of the War of 1812 (you don’t expect me to remember or do the math, do you?), the dogs were supposed to dress up in some way that references that conflict.

War of 1812 Dog Parade

What this meant was dogs in little uniforms, or wearing costumes that looked like ships, or just wearing red-white-and-blue flowers or something. There was also a reluctant pony with a fake cannon on its back. Our favorite was the Golden Retriever dressed in an epaulet-laden uniform, who was holding a plastic sword in his mouth!

Indian Princess and Soldier. He shoulda won!

At the parade’s conclusion, Lisa, Steve, two of their three children and Wendy and I walked to the parade terminus, a wind-swept and unseasonably chilly point on the island. After an interminably long time, the dog parade winners were announced (our sword-holding favorite was robbed!) and the Dog and Pony Show began.

Unfortunately, it was really just a pony show (no dogs were involved), and a pretty bad one at that. Apparently, it was officially called a Wild West Show, although it wasn’t wild, had little to do with the West and there certainly was no show. It featured several logy horse-type creatures (some probably were ponies, some were bigger horses – I don’t know the difference) reluctantly doing stuff that may or may not have been tricks, like walking two legs on a beam, or bending at the knees.

False advertising

There was a bigger horse and a younger woman, so I had hopes of bareback riding tricks around the tiny inflatable circus ring. But no such luck, I think the big horse was involved in the big finish, which may have been “dancing”. You could only tell that a “trick” had been accomplished because the sheepish looking ringmaster (who wore freaky yellow-painted shoes) would raise his hand every once in a while. Which meant we were supposed to clap.  What made the whole thing even more sad was the intermission, which featuresda twenty-minute rambling speech by a local aged veterinarian who told amusing stories about pet disease. It was the kind of pathetic display that would have rendered Holden Caulfield even more melancholy had it happened in Central Park!

Now, Wendy and I actually enjoy little community festivals, such as Perogie Days and Rhubarb Days; we find them to be charming, like the misguided displays of civic pride that take the form of giant roadside Paul Bunyans, Turkeys or Pie Dishes. And at first we considered this sad display just another charming, poorly-organized small-town small-time festival. But then we remembered that Mackinac was a major national tourist destination, and that they have a full-time events coordinator (who apparently went to Harvard and will inform you of such within five minutes of meeting her). Frankly, any one of Wendy’s staff at the History Center would do a better job – and do so with less money on a regular basis.

NOTE: Neither Brisson was involved in the Dog Parade or Pony Show.

To be continued…

Interlude: Best Road Trip Everrrr - Part 1

Wendy and I recently went on a road trip to Mackinac Island, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. And, although I fully intend to (eventually) continue my posts about our more-high-end Italy trip, I want to take a moment and document this road trip on this 97-degree miserably hot and humid 4^th of July.

The trip itinerary was planned, navigated and executed by Wendy, who is a virtuoso of the car trip. And I believe this was her four-wheeled masterpiece!

The trip was characterized by the features we both most enjoy in a road trip, including:

·         Urban settings

·         Lots of activities each day

·         Little or no nature

·         Roadside colossi

·         Presidential Libraries/Historic Sites (complete with President/First Lady-themed Christmas ornaments)

·         Mold-A-Ramas

·         Interesting Architecture (including Art Deco and/or Frank Lloyd Wright buildings)

·         Twins games

·         A dash of fake history (see Creation Museum, Kensington Rhunestone museum, or the Nixon Library’s recounting of Watergate)

·         Delicious road food that will fatten you up, harden your arteries and eventually kill you

Now, mercifully for you, dear reader, I actually want to finish this set of postings! So I’m not going to go quite the excruciating level of detail that we are accustomed to. In fact, this posting may very well devolve into bullet points. We shall see.

Note:  This posting will feature wildly inaccurate statements, incorrect chronologies, false statements and outright lies. Wendy and others may chime in to correct the statements. Or not.

To be continued...